Danmaku Wars
by William Ungerstein Fmerigo
Summary: In my ceaseless boredom, I rewrote a bunch of A New Hope with Touhou characters. This will eventually cover the entirety of the Star Wars saga.
**DANMAKU WARS**

Featuring

 _Clownpiece as C-3P0_

 _Cirno as R2-D2_

 _Toyohime as Princess Leia_

 _Moon Rabbits as Rebel Troopers_

 _Fairies as Stormtroopers_

 _Marisa Kirisame as Darth Vader_

 _Reimu Hakurei as Luke Skywalker_

 _Mini-Suikas as Jawas_

 _Sanae as Aunt Beru_

 _Kanako as Uncle Owen_

 _Flandre Scarlet as Han Solo_

 _and More to Come_

 _Long, long ago, in a sealed-off land far, far away..._

 **DANMAKU WARS**

Episode IV: A New Hope

 **It is a period of civil war. Lunarian spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the impure GENSOKYANS.**

 **During the battle, Lunarian spies managed to steal secret plans to the Gensokyan's ultimate weapon, the MASTER STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet.**

 **Pursued by the Gensokyan's impure agents, Toyohime races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and the galaxy...**

The walls of the spaceship rumbled as Cirno and Clownpiece ran down the halls. An explosion shakes them as they walk along.

"Did you hear that, Cirno? They've shut down the Okuu reactor! We'll be destroyed for sure!" Clownpiece said.

Lunarian soldiers marched past them and took up positions at the loading bay. They aimed their danmaku towards the door, ready for the Gensokyan's attack.

"We're doomed!" Clownpiece shouted.

Cirno made idiot sounds that only another idiot could possibly comprehend. Clownpiece nodded as if she somehow understood them, but in all likelihood, she didn't.

"There'll be no escape for Toyohime this time," Clownpiece said.

Cirno continued her idiot sounds. One of the soldiers threw up upon hearing them, the idiot sounds were so idiotic, but the barfing and the aforementioned idiot sounds were drowned out as a large metallic screeching came from the door in front of them. They head clanging and then marching.

"What's that?" asked Clownpiece.

The nervous Lunarians aimed their danmaku towards the door. They knew what was coming. In a few minutes the hallways were filled with lasers and danmaku. Gensokyan fairies had come streaming in from their spaceships, shredding through the Lunarian troops. Through the smoke stepped the terrifying figure of Marisa Kirisame, cloaked in black robes.

Clownpiece, while running, noticed Cirno was gone. "Cirno? Cirno? Cirno, where are you?"

She looked into a hallway and saw Toyohime uncrossing Cirno's eyes, then watched as Cirno rejoined Clownpiece.

"At last! Where have you been? They're heading in this direction! What are we going to do? We'll be sent into the spice mines on the Moon or smashed into who knows what!"

Cirno made idiot sounds and screamed her way down the hallway.

"Wait! Where are you going?" Clownpiece asked, running after Cirno.

Cirno made more idiot noises.

* * *

Marisa Kirisame stepped over the limp bodies of the Lunarian soldiers.

"Ma'am!" said a Gensokyan fairy. "The Master Star plans are not in the main computer!"

Marisa reached down and grabbed the throat of a Lunarian officer. "What have you done with those plans?"

"We intercepted no transmissions. We... are a diplomatic mission!" said the officer, struggling to breathe.

"If this is a diplomatic ship..." Marisa tightened her grip on the Lunarian's throat. "Where is the ambassador?"

The Lunarian began to choke. Marisa threw their unconcious body away. "Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans and brought me the Ambassador. I want her alive!"

"Yes, ma'am!" shouted the faries, who began searching.

* * *

Toyohime looked around the corner. She drew her sword as some fairies approached.

"There she is!" shouted one. "Set danmaku to stun!"

Toyohime cut down one fairy with her sword but was overwhelmed by their sheer numbers, as if someone had suddenly set the difficulty to Lunatic Mode. She attempted to run but was knocked out by a stray piece of danmaku.

"She's all right. Tell Lord Kirisame we have a prisoner," said the Commander. Who was still a fairy.

* * *

Cirno stopped in front of the escape pod. She remembered what doorknobs were, but couldn't quite remember how to use them.

"Hey, you're not permitted in there!" Clownpiece said. "It's restricted! You'll be sentenced to hell for sure!"

Cirno made idiot sounds and killed a Lunarian soldier who was struggling to get to the escape pods with her one remaining leg and arm through idiot-noise induced cranial hemmorhaging.

"Don't call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight blob of fairy intestines! Now come out before Shikieiki sees you." Clownpiece sighed.

Cirno made more idiot sounds. The Lunarian soldier's ghost died from crainial hemmorhaging.

"Secret mission? What plans? What are you talking about? I'm not getting in there!" Clownpiece said before realizing Cirno wasn't actually in the escape pod yet, due to a case of almost fatal stupidity.

An explosion nearby blew open the door, much to Cirno's delight, and also just so happened to knock Clownpiece in. The airlock closed behind them.

"I'm going to regret this..." Clownpiece said.

The escape pod launched from the side of the spaceship.

"That's funny. The damage doesn't look as bad from out here," Clownpiece said.

Cirno made idiot noises that seemed to reassure Clownpiece.

"Are you sure this thing is safe?" she asked.

* * *

"Marisa Kirisame. I should have known." Toyohime glared at Marisa. "Only you could be so bold. The Gensokyan Senate will not sit for this, when they hear you've attacked a diplomatic..."

"Don't play games with me, Toyohime. You weren't on any mercy mission this time. You passed directly through a restricted area. Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by Lunarian spies. I want to know what happened with the plans they sent you." Marisa smiled, thinking she'd won.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a member of the Gensokyan Senate, on a diplomatic mission to Makai," Toyohime said.

"You're a Lunarian- and a traitor. Take her away!" shouted Marisa. Two fairies pulled Toyohime through the smoking hole into the ship on the other side.

"Ms. Kirisame!" a fairy shouted. "The Master Star plans are not aboard this ship! And no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, but no life forms were aboard!"

Marisa turned to the fairy. "She must have hidden the plans in the escape pod. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander. There'll be no one to stop us this time."

"Yes, ma'am!" the fairy said before flying away.

* * *

Cirno and Clownpiece flew through the desolate lands of Old Hell. "How did I get into this mess?" Clownpiece said. "We seem to be _made_ to suffer! It's our lot in life."

Cirno made idiot noises. A nearby rat nodded in comprehension.

"I've got to rest. My flag is getting dusty!" Clownpiece said.

Cirno continued her idiot sounds.

"What a desolate place this is..." Clownpiece remarked.

Cirno made more idiot sounds, before taking a sharp right turn in the direction of a rocky area.

"Where are you going?" Clownpiece called after Cirno.

Cirno responded with more idiot noises, prompting an arguement from Clownpiece. The two argued for a while, with no plot-relevant phrases, or anything that wouldn't just be straight-up copied from the script of A New Hope. Eventually, the two of them went separate ways through the desert.

Clownpiece kicked the sand. "That dumb little nine-ball. This is all her fault! She tricked me into going this way, but she'll do no better."

In a huff of anger and frustration, Clownpiece shot danmaku at a rock. It did nothing, but a glint of reflected light from her danmaku hit her eye. She looked off into the distance.

"What's that? A house? I'm saved!" Clownpiece flew off to the house.

* * *

Cirno waddled around, slowly. She was trying to remember how to use legs. She knocked a pebble down a cliff. She heard an 'ouch' from below, but ignored it since she'd forgotten what 'ouch' meant. As she kept walking, a massive rock smacked her in the head, knocking her out.

"Serves you right," said the legions of mini-Suikas. They picked up Cirno's unconcious body and carried it down the cliff, before dragging it into their house.

Cirno awoke in the basement of the mini-Suika's house. She didn't quite remember who she was, or what numbers were, but she was otherwise okay. She looked around with her eyes, which she realized existed, and saw Clownpiece. She saw many other fairies and other idiotic, sometimes non-sentient things floating around the basement.

"Cirno! It's you!" Clownpiece flew up to Cirno and gave her a hug. Cirno thought a sandwich.

* * *

"Where's the booze!?" one of the mini-Suikas called, as she attempted to get a kedama to stay in place for half a second. All the other mini-Suikas ran about, trying to keep the various Stage 1 enemies in place.

Kanako stepped out of the shadows of the house.

"Hey! Reimu!" Sanae shouted from farther away. "Tell Kanako that if she buys a Stage 1 enemy, to be sure it shoots laser danmaku!"

"It looks ike we don't have much of a choice, but I'll tell him," Reimu said, before following Kanako.

Kanako looked over the bosses. "I've no need for a fairy..." she said as she looked at Clownpiece.

"Yes, not in an environment such as this- that's why I know over thirty other functions that-"

"What I really need is a Stage 1 enemy that use star danmaku." Kanako said.

"Star danmaku? Ma'am, my first job was shooting star danmaku!"

"Do you speak French?" Kanako asked.

"Of course I can. It's like a second language for me-"

"Alright, shut up!" Kanako shouted. "I'll take this one." Some mini-Suikas brought Clownpiece up to Kanako.

"Shutting up, ma'am," she said.

"Reimu, take these two over to the house. I want you to train both for a basic attack pattern before dinner." Kanako said.

"But... I was going to go up to the surface to pick up some ofuda..." Reimu said with a frown.

"You can waste time at Kourindou when your chores are done. Now come on, get to it!"

"All right, come on, you. And the red one, too." Reimu gestured to a red fairy next to Cirno. A horde of mini-Suikas led the fairies forward. Cirno tried to go after Clownpiece, but was stopped by a mini-Suika.

As Reimu, Clownpiece, and the red fairy walked off, the red fairy heard one of Cirno's idiot noises. It clutched its ears, screaming, before falling limp to the ground.

"Kanako..." Reimu said.

"Yeah?" Kanako responded.

"This fairy's brain seems to have just imploded. Look!"

Kanako turned back to the largest mini-Suika. "Hey, what're you trying to push on us?"

The mini-Suika chattered with its cohorts for a moment. Cirno escaped to Clownpiece as this happened. Clownpiece tapped Reimu on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, ma'am, but that blue fairy there is the strongest. A real bargain."

"Kanako!" Reimu called.

"What?" Kanako asked.

"Why don't we take that one?" Reimu said, pointing towards Cirno.

"Yeah, sure. We'll take the blue one," Kanako said.

With a slight amount of reluctance, the mini-Suikas carried the now comatose fairy back inside and ferried Cirno over to the group.

* * *

Cirno flew around the ceiling, remembering that it existed. Clownpiece sighed.

"It just isn't fair!" Reimu said. "I'm never going to get out of here!"

"Is there anything I could do to help?" Clownpiece asked.

Reimu glanced at Clownpiece. Her anger drained slightly, and she smiled a little. "Not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest, or teleport me to the Moon, no."

"I don't think so. I'm just a fairy, so I'm not very knowledgeable about that sort of thing. I'm not even sure where I am, really."

"Well, if Gensokyo has a capital, this is the farthest away from it." Reimu sighed, leaning back.

"I see, ma'am."

"Oh, right, you can call me Reimu."

"I see, Ms. Reimu."

Reimu laughed. "Just Reimu."

"I'm Clownpiece, and that idiot is Cirno." Cirno made idiot noises in response to this. Thankfully, Reimu was quick enough that she covered her ears before hearing it. She inspected Cirno for a moment.

"You've ice stuck in your back," Reimu noted. "Looks like you've seen a lot of action."

"With all we've been through, sometimes I'm amazed that we're in as good condition as we are, what with the Rebellion and all," Clownpiece responded.

"You know of the Rebellion against the Gensokyans?" Reimu asked.

"That's how we came to be here, if you take my meaning."

"Have you been in many battles?"

"Several, I think. Actually, there's not much to tell. I don't do much but keep this idiot in check, so I'm not good at telling stories. Well, not without Cirno piping in and killing people."

Reimu struggled to remove Cirno's wings from her back before realizing that they were, in fact, wings. She sighed, and then noticed Cirno's eyes were not crossed.

"Wait, that's not right. You've got contacts in there. Were you on a cruiser or..." Reimu smacked Cirno in the back of the head. Contacts popped out of her eyes, revealing her eyes had been crossed the entire time.

Reimu examined the contacts, which suddenly began projecting a magical image of Toyohime.

"Help me, Genji. You're my only hope," it said.

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


End file.
